Who Would'a Guessed
by Delenn
Summary: A very wacky story. You’ll NEVER guess who’s got together in this one, and the Author won’t shut up! Ares/Xena


**Disclaimer: This story is purely for fun, and to keep the people from the Xena and Ares shippers club from going crazy, I get no profit from this story. The character Herious, Esta, Mathin ect. as well as the story idea belong to me. The characters Xena, Gabrielle, Hercules, Ares, Aphrodite, Cupid ect. do not belong to me, and I am just borrowing them. No copy write infringement intended. The character Psyche belongs to Greek mythology as far as I know, and I'm just borrowing her. Please do not use this story on your web site, web page ect. without first asking me and receiving my permission, you may however use this story for private use, but must use it with all disclaimers. If you would like to send this story to a friend, please ask me first, and receive my permission, and you must not get any profit from the transaction.   
  
Author's note: Wow that was a pretty long disclaimer wasn't it?? I hope I got everything in though, I don't want anybody to take this story the wrong way! If the idea of Xena and Ares in love, of them having any past relationship, of Gabrielle and Xena being 'just friends', or if the idea of Hercules and Gabrielle in love is not the type of story you want to read, please go someplace else.   
  
Dedications: This story is for Kat (hope you feel better), Illy (hope you and you're computer are reunited soon), Liz (hope you feel better), and for everyone at the shippers club for their support, and for liking my stories, even when I didn't! I have no idea when this story takes place, sorry!   
  
Warnings: Sex: hints. Subtext: no. Lesbian content: yes. Violence: no. Language: yes. Joxer content: yes. Gabrielle bashing: yes. Xena bashing: yes (Unbelievable). Ares bashing: yes. Hercules bashing: yes. Everybody being bashed: yes. Me being a total B!+ch: yes, sorry!   
  
Rated: PG-13   
  
Summary: A very wacky story. You'll NEVER guess who's got together in this one, and the Author won't shut up!   
  
Now that I've given away almost the whole plot let's get onto the story!!!!! *everyone still here claps***   
  


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Who Would'a Guessed?   
By Delenn

  
  
  
  
I tricked you! We aren't beginning yet! *evil grin* that's right you have to read more of my notes and so on. READY? Hope you said yes, because here we go............In this Story, Iolaus and Joxer have gotten married and gone away forever (Seriously, I have no problem with people being Lesbian, homosexual or whatever you want to call it. I just have a problem with people that think Xena and Gabby are like that! Besides I wanted to get Joxer and Iolaus out of the way). Gabby has fallen in love with as she puts it "My hunky honey Herc" and they have started dating. Xena and Ares are still secretly going on dates. And 'Dite has herself a new boy-toy, "Herious."   
  
Now the story!!!!   
  
  
  
WAIT: *another evil grin* I'm back! Thought you'd gotten rid of me by now didn't ya? Huh? Well I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere till I'm good and ready. So....... I changed my mind.... Joxer and Iolaus are living in this town (let's call it Townville) and are celebrating 1 year of marriage, so of course they invited their friends Xena, Hercules, and Gabrielle, and the person who set them up, Aphrodite. Well Xena brought Ares with her, and 'Dite brought her boy-toy Herious with her. And they are all staying at Iolaus and Joxer's house.   
  
  
  
Okay, I've had my fun, off you go to read the story...... that is if you can find it! *LOL* I am evil! No seriously I had a reason to stop you this time..... Author's note: This is not meant to offend any particular person...... It's meant to offend EVERYBODY!! Subtexters, A/X Shippers, Joxer/Gabby people, Herc/Iolaus people, Gabby/Ares people, Iolaus/Gabby people, Xena/Herc people, Xenites, and anyone I missed..... EVERYONE IS TO BE OFFENDED AND P!$$ED OFF BY THE END OF THIS STORY (if you don't get either of those, e-mail me and complain, and I'll fix you alright;)   
  
  
  
I'm Baaaaaaaack! Scary thought, huh? *laughs* Now for the truth, this is a comedy and is in no way meant to offend anybody, okay? It's just supposed to be funny. Now on to the story.   
  
  
  
Author's note: Yes this is really the story...........   
  
Gabrielle was sitting curled up on Hercules' lap, in one chair, giving everybody a look that said 'This is my boyfriend isn't he cute? And just look at these muscles! HE'S MINE, DO NOT TOUCH.' Hercules would have given a look, but he is to dumb to 'look' anything, he has to 'say' stuff. Xena was sitting stretched out on Ares' lap, in another chair, Xena was giving a look that clearly said 'how long till I can dump this place and actually have so real fun?' Ares had both arms wrapped around Xena's waist and was giving a look that said 'Anyone touches her, and I'm going to kill you.' Aphrodite was stretched out on a couch, with her head on her boy-toy's lap, she is giving a look that says 'This is like, so BORING.' Herious is not there to give looks, talk, or do anything of that sort. Iolaus and Joxer are on the other couch giving each other looks like 'Have I told you how much I love you today? I love you. You are the best husband ever.' and so on (you get the idea).   
  
  
  
Xena yawns, and repositions herself on Ares' lap. Gabrielle stretches her arms around Hercules' neck, and curls into an even smaller ball (if that's possible). Suddenly Joxer gets up, stands in the front of the room and says "Iolaus has an announcement to make. Don't you dear?" Iolaus smiles and comes up to stand next to Joxer, "Thank you Joxie! Everyone, I know that we haven't got along at all times, but now that I am a married man.....I would like to say that I am sorry for all our past conflicts and would like your forgiveness, and I forgive you. You are all welcome in me and Joxie's home." Then Joxer seems to see Xena's yawn and says "Forgive Iolaus, he forgets how long a journey it is here. I'm sure you are all tired, I have fixed up some bedrooms.....but I wasn't expecting so many of you to show up, there are only four bedrooms......" Aphrodite and Xena suddenly seem to wake up, and say "We'll share! so will Ares and Herious!" Iolaus smiled "That leaves two bedrooms..." Gabrielle uncurled from on top of Hercules and said "I'll take one, and Herc will take one.....if that's okay?" Joxer nodded, and led them to the hall where the bedrooms were.   
  
  
  
Joxer said "Before I go, the first bedroom to the right is Aphrodite and Xena's. The first bedroom to the left is Ares and Herious'. The second bedroom to the right is Gabrielle's. And the second bedroom to the left is Hercules'. Good night everyone, sleep well." Then Joxer left. Gabrielle and Hercules said "Good night, everyone" then retired to they're respective room's. Aphrodite asked "I get the left room, you get the right?" Xena nodded. Then they all said "Good night." Ares and Xena went to the first room on the right, and Aphrodite and Herious went to the first room on the left.   
  
  
  
Xena started taking off her boots, weapons, and armoring, when she is done, Xena climbs into bed and says "I'm tired, let's just go to bed. Night Ares." Ares says "Night, Xe." Takes off his vest, boots, and sword, then climbs into the other side of the bed.   
  
  
  
Aphrodite and Herious are in their bedroom..............I as the author refuse to write in what's going on in that bedroom, it would wreck my image. You all can just imagine! And that's my final say on this matter....SUBJECT CLOSED. LOL   
  
  
  
Gabby is in her bedroom, she takes off her clothes, and climbs into bed, quickly falling into a deep sleep, quite sure that no one would be rude enough to walk into her bedroom without knocking.   
  
  
  
Hercules has taken off his shirt, and boots, and climbed into bed, he is now trying to get to sleep. But is having a VERY hard time because of the crashing and bumping coming from the room next to his. He figures it's just Ares and Herious having a fight though, and finally goes to sleep. {Oh how blissful is ignorance}.   
  
  
  
Downstairs Joxer and Iolaus are getting ready for bed, they decide that seeing as they have guests, and that it's not their anniversary for two days that they are not going to.......[TAKE A WILD GUESS FOLKS]. So instead they get undressed, simply climb into bed and cuddle.   
  
  
  
I know that I said that I was gone......but before we go on to morning, I decided to tell you all a little something so the kids can watch out for 'inappropriate' parts of this story.....that's right, starting from now on I don't care about my reputation (seeing as this story has already destroyed most of it, let's finish the job, shall we?). So people under (let's see what did Kat rate my other story? Oh right) 13 probably shouldn't read this.   
  
  
  
Hee, Hee, I can read my own stories YAY! Well most of them that is! COOL!   
  
  
  
Iolaus and Joxer had gotten up and were knocking and calling everybody at they're doors to get them up too. Joxer reached what should have been Xena and Aphrodite's room, "Xena, Aphrodite, time to get up! Breakfast needs to be cooked and I want your help!" Xena and Ares jumped up, Xena gave a look that clearly said 'Oh damn, this isn't good!' Then called to Joxer "We'll be out in a minute, Joxer. Why don't you wake A.....the men up now too?" Through the door they heard Joxer say "Iolaus is doing that now, don't worry Xena." Xena started putting on her armoring, hoping that Aphrodite would remember which room she was supposed to be in and not do something stupid.   
  
  
  
Meanwhile:  
Iolaus was knocking on what was supposed to be Ares and Herious' room. "Common, wake up everyone!" Inside the room Aphrodite let out a silent yelp. Then with a wave of Aphrodite's hand her and Herious were dressed, and the room was in spectacular condition. Aphrodite whispered to Herious "Tell Iolaus that you're up!" Herious nodes and said "Iolaus, be down in a second." He was about to ask Aphrodite something, but she just told him "Shut up! I'm like trying to see if we'll get away with this!"   
  
  
  
Joxer gently knocked on Gabrielle's room, there was no answer. Deciding that Gabrielle must still be asleep Joxer knocked, again, harder this time. When he again got no answer, Joxer started to wonder if Gabrielle was really in her room. Quietly opening the door Joxer walked in. "AHHH!" Gabrielle screamed as she finally woke up and saw someone in her room. Joxer said "Gabrielle! Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to barge in on you like that......." Gabrielle refrained from screaming again as she recognized Joxer's voice, I mean he is married....to a man. Joxer quickly walked out of the room mumbling something about wanting her to help him Xena, and Aphrodite with breakfast.   
  
  
  
Meanwhile:  
Iolaus was knocking on Hercules' door, he calls "Hercules, or Herc! Common old buddy, it's time to get up!" Inside the room Hercules sits up and says "Iolaus, will you come in here for a minute? I need to talk to you about something." Iolaus replies "Sure, Herc," and walks in. Hercules says "I am going to be blunt.....I know that you are a happily married man, and I am extremely happy for you, don't get me wrong. But I was wondering, seeing as you are married to a man....umm...." Iolaus senses his friends uncomfortableness and says "Whatever it is, you know that you can ask me." Hercules then says "I was wondering, and have been for some time.....When we traveled together did you ever....you know....fantasize about me?" Iolaus takes a deep breath, then says "I used to, in the beginning. Hercules we've known each other for a long time, and you know that I wasn't ALWAYS like this, but when....well.....Xena...she just made me realize that women were not who I thought they were. After that, yes I did have fantasies about you, very detailed fantasies. But then one day I realized that you weren't into that, and I gave up. After that I met Joxer and the rest is history. Hercules I understand that you wouldn't have asked this if you weren't uncomfortable with the thought, so I am putting your mind to rest and praying that you and Gabby get married so that me and Joxer can help with the wedding plans!" Iolaus then laughed, so did Hercules. Iolaus then said "I better help Joxie get the rest of you slowpokes up! Bye Herc." Hercules nodded, and Iolaus left.   
  
  
  
Ares asked "Here, let me?" Xena rolled her eyes, but stopped putting on her armoring, Ares waved his arm and suddenly Xena was completely dressed, Ares was dressed, and the room looked as if nobody was there. Ares made a sour face "This really isn't my 'thing' but if Aphrodite ever does show up the place has to look like she would make it look." Xena laughed, and said "Yeah, well at least she can't turn this place pink! It would be too rude!" suddenly Aphrodite's voice asked "Hey you guys up? Iolaus just gave the wake up signal, so we like better change rooms!" Ares said "Yes we are up. let's switch rooms 'Dite. Ready Xe?" Xena nodded, and a second later Ares was gone and in his place was Aphrodite. Xena said "Let's go, I hear Joxer coming back towards this room. You should have heard the scream a moment ago, I think Joxer walked into Gabrielle's room unannounced!" Sure enough a second later in walked a very flustered Joxer "You're both in here? Good, I wasn't sure, no offense lady's!" Xena stalked past Joxer "Don't ever call me a lady." Aphrodite shrugged her shoulders, and sexily walked past Joxer in a new lingerie outfit. If Joxer had liked women, Aphrodite walking past him would have half killed him, as it was he was having a hard time forgetting that he was a married man.   
  
  
  
Awww damn! I just figured out something, this story is getting almost serious! I'd better do something quick! Oh this 'll be good! *Grins evilly* Nice for me, Scary for the readers!   
  
  
  
Xena and Aphrodite had been kicked out of the kitchen by Joxer and Gabrielle. As he ushered them away Joxer had said "Next time, Xena, I will remember that you won't cook! As for you Aphrodite, you don't use your powers to cook. I meant really cook, not that fake stuff!" Xena had said "Yeah, well, I told you that I don't like to cook! You didn't believe me." And Aphrodite replied "I don't need you telling me what to do. You are the one that had me help anyway. Well excuuuuse me for trying to help!"   
  
  
  
The minute.....no the SECOND that Iolaus saw Xena and Aphrodite he had a fit "What am I supposed to do with you? Me and the men are going hunting and you women are SUPPOSED to be cooking!" Xena caught Ares roll his eyes and give an expression that said 'he's lost it, he really has. Remind me again what I am doing here?' Xena explained things "We were kicked out of the kitchen, with express orders never to return. See I won't cook, and 'Dite won't cook. However I'll come hunting with you 'men." Iolaus gave a terrified look "But then we'd have an odd person, and what am I supposed to do with 'miss I won't cook?" Suddenly Aphrodite piped up with an suggestion "Herious doesn't hunt very well, actually I don't think he ever has. And I certainly won't, so like why don't you Ar, Xe, and Herc go hunting. And me and Herious will take off for a few hours, I mean I have like things to do, I AM a Goddess after all." Iolaus nodded and stated, leaving no room for argument, "Hercules, Xena, Ares, and myself will go hunting. Joxie and Gabrielle will cook, Aphrodite and Herious will go where ever. HOWEVER nobody will leave this town, Aphrodite, that means you too." Then he grabbed his hunting party and left.   
  
  
  
Under her breath Xena muttered "Sexist jerks. I swear, Joxer and Iolaus are worse then Hercules!" Ares said "Thanks for coming, three of these idiots could've killed me." Xena shrugged "Well, I wasn't about to be stuck in that kitchen all day." Hercules came up behind them and asked "What are you two talking about?" Xena smiled "Correction....Sexist noisy jerks. And nobody's worse then Herc here." Ares laughed, and Hercules left while saying under his breath "Know-it-all whore, who does she think she is?" Xena joked "If I didn't know better, I'd say he is worse then you!" Ares said "The only good thing about this trip is being out of the blonds range." Xena chuckled "And you haven't had to deal with her half as long as I have." Ares asked "Do you think she's human?" Xena rolled her eyes, then said "Who knows." Iolaus found them and said "Less talking, more hunting." before going off again to illustrate his point. Ares quickly said "You know who I'd like to hunt? Him, I tell you I'm this close to killing the guy.....he's almost worse then 'that thing that won't shut up." Xena nodded, then left to actually do what she was told...if she didn't, Xena was going to be stuck in that gods-be-damned kitchen again.   
  
  
  
Gabrielle and Joxer were doing the cooking, every so often Aphrodite would wonder in and complain on being stuck in the living room, which is where Joxer had INSISTED she stay. Gabrielle didn't mind that only the women were asked to cook, she came from a stupid little town that was just as sexist as Joxer was being now. She chatted easily with Joxer, and smiled politely at Aphrodite whenever she came in. Joxer however felt that is his house every person was treated as what they were, men as men, and women as women, gods or mortals, and was much less hospitable to Aphrodite, shooing her out of the kitchen while complaining that she was distracting. Suddenly Joxer had a brilliant idea, he whispered it to Gabrielle "In my house I think everyone should dress in the appropriate manor. Therefore I want you to go to Esta the dressmaker and have her make some nice plain dresses for yourself, the one the doesn't wear real clothes, and the one who doesn't wear dresses. Alright Gabrielle?" Gabrielle nodded, and after getting directions to the dressmakers, left.   
  
  
  
Esta turned out to be just Gabrielle's type of person, she busily looked for dresses from just descriptions. "How tall did ya say your friend was?" Gabrielle replied "Xe is almost six feet tall." Esta nodded "Now would ya say that Dite could fit inta this?" Gabrielle smiled "I think so...." Esta grabbed a two piece yellow outfit and said "There, this pile is for ya ta try on, that pile is for Dite, and the other pile is for Xe. Now I want ya ta get your friends ta come here. Mathin here is my messenger boy, anything ya have ta say ta get your friends here ya say." Gabrielle nodded, quickly scribbled a message, then said "Here you go Mathin, give this to Dite, and Xe. They are at Joxer's house, he lives just down the road....." Mathin interrupted "I know Joxer. I'll be right back with your friends, miss."   
  
  
  
While Gabrielle and Esta had been talking and getting outfits quite a lot had happened. First of all 'Dite had got bored and called Cupid, who had brought Psyche with him. Psyche however was in a dress so Joxer put up with her. Cupid, Psyche, 'Dite, and Herious were sitting on the two couches in the living room lounging and looking extremely bored. But things didn't stay that way for long, a second later Xena ran in the room, she had grabbed Ares, so he ran through the room with her. Xena did an interesting run, first of all she was running backwards, while she shouted taunts at whoever was chasing her "Look, I'm running backwards and you can't even keep up! This is pathetic! Catch me if you can!" Suddenly Ares spotted someone and practically pulled Xena out of the way. Unfortunately Xena landed between Cupid and Psyche. Then in came Iolaus, he yelled "Xena that was not fair!" and lunged for the couch where Xena had been pushed a minute ago. 'Dite noticed with a giggle that Iolaus didn't have a shirt on, he was actually kind of cute in her opinion. Xena ducked, and rolled off the couch. However Psyche and Cupid weren't so lucky. Xena chuckled and asked "What happened to Hercules? Did he get scared about coming in and stay in the woods, or is he hiding outside somewhere?" At this Ares couldn't help but laugh, Xena spotted him and sat on one side of the chair that Ares was sitting in. She asked "What's so funny?" Ares laughed again and said "It seems that my nephew and his wife are unlucky enough to be sitting with Iolaus. 'Dite are we having a family reunion? Because if we are I'm leaving, I have no want to see any other family members." Iolaus got up and screamed "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH OUR CLOTHES, XENA?" Xena rolled her eyes "Yuck you think that I would have touched your clothes? You have got to be joking. No I left them in the woods, right Ares?" Ares nodded and replied with mock sympathy "Sorry Iolaus, looks like you are out of luck, I can't help, I'd never get away with it." 'Dite giggled, and said "No more family, I got bored and thought I could invite Cupie and Psyche. Now will someone say what happened?" Iolaus ignored Aphrodite and called out the door "Herc, Xena says she left our clothes in the woods, I'll come and help you look! Joxie, I have a small problem I'll be back soon." then ran out the door. Cupid asked "What was that about?" Xena listened for several minutes then said "Ares, go ahead. There, now 'Dite I came up with the perfect trick. We hid Iolaus' shirt and Herc's clothes on them." 'Dite, and Cupid laughed. Psyche was shy, she asked "Cupid, who is everyone?" Cupid looked apologetic and said "You know uncle Ares, that's Xena. In the kitchen are Joxer and Gabrielle. And that was Iolaus who just left. Hercules is my other uncle, remember?" Xena slipped off the side of the chair and sat on Ares' lap, she shrugged and said "Hi, nice to meet you Psyche." Psyche looked embarrassed, she mumbled "Hi," then at Cupid's encouraging said "Xena, are you a friend of Joxer and Iolaus?" Xena said "No, I have two theories on why I was invited here. First, that they only wanted to invite Gabrielle but thought it would be rude not to invite me. Or that they are idiots and actually thought I cared. That's why I dragged Ares here, if I have to go through this then he has to too." Ares forced a smile and sarcastically asked "Isn't she nice?" Xena laughed "You know that you don't mind." Psyche laughed "Cupid dragged me here too, although he insists he had no idea that it was going to be this boring, don't you Cupid?" Cupid reaffirmed "I had no idea, I figured if uncle Ares, Xena, and mom were here it had to be a great party!" Ares laughed, then said "I'd put up with worse for Xena....however not to much worse, lines have to be drawn. I'd rather be in a war that was almost impossible to win then be here." Xena pouted "I'm sorry, but at least we haven't had to deal with 'it' yet today!" Psyche asked "It?" 'Dite explained "That cute little blond thing, Gabrielle. She like never shuts up. You can't get a moments peace when she's around. How Xena puts up with it is like so beyond me!" Psyche asked "Then you don't like Gabrielle?" Xena laughed "I tell you I'm about this close to leaving her somewhere!" Ares asked "How could anyone but Hercules like the annoying blond?" and 'Dite said "Pluh-eze!" Just then Mathin said "Miss Dite, and Miss Xe. You are requested by Miss Gabrielle to come to Miss Esta's right away. Please follow me." Xena complained "But I don't want to have to deal with Gabrielle. Ares, do something!" Ares was not going to let anyone make Xena do something she didn't want to. He growled "Go away." and wrapped his arms more protectively around Xena's waist. Aphrodite let out a shriek, "AHH! The like little blond thing? I am not going anywhere she is, like pluh-eze!" then laid back down. Mathin went to get Aphrodite in the hopes that he could reason with Xena, he didn't like the look of Ares. Cupid ran in front of his mother and said protectively "BACK OFF!" Mathin backed up and said "Anybody that wants to can come with Miss Dite and Miss Xe." Joxer came in hearing the fuss and said "Xena, Aphrodite go with Mathin he's a good friend of mine, a nice kid. Ares relax. Xena will be fine it's just Gabrielle that wants to see her. Cupid back down. I swear you look as mean as your uncle, standing guard over your mother like that!" Suddenly Xena smiled. She got up and walked over to where 'Dite was laying in an 'Kill me now!' pose. Xena leaned over and whispered to 'Dite "Why don't we take Psyche on a tour of the town. It will be alright. Mathin did say that another girl was with Gabrielle." 'Dite nodded, "Oh, like, alright! I have ta talk to Herious first though." While 'Dite was talking to Herious, Xena went over and said to Ares "If I'm not back in an hour start to worry about me." Ares said "My dear, if you're not back in an hour I will personally go where the blond is, and come to make sure that you are alright." Xena smiled just a little and gave Ares a quick kiss. Psyche asked "Cupid, could I maybe just go home? I feel..... odd here, I'm the only woman in a dress!" Cupid laughed "Yeah, and Xena's the only woman that refuses to take off even a single weapon. Mom's the only woman that dresses like... THAT.... anywhere. You have nothing to worry about, Psyche!" Psyche rolled her eyes, feeling extremely stupid. Xena noticed a break in conversation, got up, grabbed 'Dite by one arm, and Psyche by the other arm. "Time to go!" she announced. Then dragged everyone out the door after Mathin.   
  
  
  
Mathin looked worried having just watched Xena pull the other women after her. Aphrodite stopped and said "ENOUGH!! Like, this is killing me! Everyone join hands, this is the only way ta travel!" 'Dite then grabbed Psyche's hand. Xena took hold of Psyche's hand. And, seeing how reluctant he was, grabbed Mathin's hand. And they were gone in a swirl of pink.   
  
  
  
The four of them appeared in Esta's dress shop. Esta let out a little gasp as she saw how Xena and Aphrodite were dressed! Psyche retreated to a quite corner, and Mathin went outside. Gabrielle was modeling a two piece outfit. The skirt was orange, and down to Gabrielle's knees. The top covered over part of the skirt and was Orange, yellow, brown, and black. One strap was thick, and one thin. Xena raised an eyebrow. Aphrodite let out a squeal and said "That is.... so..... like.... a definite fashion no-no." Gabrielle and Esta paid 'Dite's comment no heed. Esta said "Now Xe, ya go inta that dressing room over there. Dite, ya go inta that dressing room. I'll hand ya your dresses to try on." Xena grimaced, she hated wearing, but managed to say "Fine, but do me a favor.... call me Xena." Esta nodded and lead 'Dite and Xena to their dressing rooms. Esta handed Aphrodite in a reddish/pinkish dress that went to just below Aphrodite's knees. It was held up with two thin straps, and was in 'Dite's opinion almost okay. With the dress she handed in a choker beaded necklace. Esta handed Xena a short purple dress with thin straps. The dress was tight, and had a small split on each side so that Xena could move easily. With this Esta handed a choker cloth necklace that was the same color as the dress. When they were dressed Esta called them out. Aphrodite had fixed her hair up, with only a few springy curls hanging down. She walked out in her usual manner, wishing that Cupid was there to tell her what he thought of her new dress. Xena walked out in her usual confidant manner, seemingly completely obvious to the fact that she looked absolutely stunning. Esta looked the women over, and confidant that she had picked the right sizes, packed up the other dresses. For Xena there was a long light blue dress with a split on the side, and thin straps. And a dark blue dress that went below the knees. Xena frowned, this dress was OK for a dress, but it *was* a DRESS, and Xena hates dresses! For Aphrodite there was a long bright pick dress that splits in the front to just below the knees, and has thin straps. And a short dark, dark, purple dress that was in the same stile as Xena's dark blue dress, except much shorter. 'Dite frowned too, these 'dresses' were way to long for 'Dite's tastes. For Gabrielle there was a long green dress that is shorter on one side, and longer on the other. It has thin straps. And a two piece bright yellow dress. The skirt goes to the knees. and the top leaves Gabrielle's stomach bare. It is in the same stile as Aphrodite's dark, dark, purple dress, except longer and a two piece. Aphrodite changes into the short dark, dark, purple dress. Gabrielle changes into a simple village girl dress that she has also gotten, and they leave with Psyche. 'Dite comments "You know, Xena, your hair would look much better with that dress if it was up." Xena stated "I like my hair down. Your hair looks wonderful up like that, though, 'Dite." 'Dite smiled, "Yeah, thanks!" Gabrielle asks "Aren't those dresses a little SHORT?" Xena and 'Dite look down, exchange meaningful glances, and say "Short? No." Psyche says "I like the color of your hair, Gabrielle." Gabrielle smiles "Thank you." but is too embarrassed to say anything else.   
  
  
  
When Gabrielle leads the group in, Herious, Ares, Cupid, and Joxer all look up. 'Dite practically skips over to Herious, and lays on the whole couch, with her feet on his lap. Psyche walks over to Cupid, and sits down next to him. Xena casually strolls over to Ares and sits down on his lap as usual. Gabrielle walks in a hurry over to Joxer, and asks "Is Herc back yet?" then the talking starts. 'Dite spins around in front of Herious, and asks "Do I look alright? What do you think?" Herious says "I think you look as wonderful as always!" 'Dite giggles "Thanks, cutie!" and sits down. Cupid asks "Did you have fun watching Xena and Aphrodite have fits about the outfits?" Psyche laughs and says "Well there wasn't to many fits, except when Gabrielle saw the dresses that Xena and Aphrodite were wearing... but I'll tell you all about that later!" Ares comments "You look *great* Xe!" Xena pouts "I thought you liked leather?" Ares laughs "I do, but you look fabulous in *anything* that you wear." Xena questions "'Dite said I should have worn my hair up, what do you think?" Ares answered "You know what I think." Xena nods, and smiles. Joxer realizes that he's eavesdropping, and answers Gabrielle's question. "I'm expecting him and Iolaus back any minute now," then in bursts Iolaus, and Hercules, who is covered by a bush. Gabrielle shrieks, runs over to Hercules, and asks "WHAT HAPPENED?!?" 'Dite giggles, Ares laughs, and Xena bites her lip to keep from laughing too. Joxer lets out a shriek too, and screams "GODS! What happened to your CLOTHES?" Ares looks innocent "I didn't do anything!" Xena leans in Ares' arms more, and nodes her agreement. 'Dite's face takes on a hurt expression, and she says "Like, Don't look at me like that Herc, Curly, Joxie, I had like totally nothin' to do with it!" Gabrielle says to Hercules "They are right, you know. I mean it's the kind of thing *Xena* would think up, but Ares wouldn't sink low enough to be pushed into helping Xena with her pranks. And Aphrodite could never think of something like that, or do the work required to do that for 'someone' else." Hercules nodes in agreement. 'Dite looks insulted, and Ares just scowls at Hercules. Xena looks shocked, and looking like she is about to cry, says "I would 'NEVER' do something like that, and I resent you implying that I like to play tricks on people!" Gabrielle asked "Then how do you explain the missing clothes?" Xena looks disgusted and says "I already told you before. Do you really think that I would TOUCH Hercules' clothes? Eeeeeeeeeeew." Dite giggled again, and said "Like, sorry Herc, but I gotta agree with Xe on that one!" Ares asked "What makes you and Joxer so innocent, Blondie?" Gabrielle said "Because you're the people that like to play tricks." Ares, Xena, and 'Dite simultaneously say "TRICKS?" 'Dite thought for a minute then said "Like, tricks ain't the word. I cast spells. Ares gets revenge. And Xena plays." Iolaus said "Same thing." Hercules said "Aphrodite, will you please fix this?" 'Dite growled "I hate manual labor! Cupie, come here, I'll tell you what to do." Cupid walked over to his mother, 'Dite whispered something in his ear. Cupid waved his hand and suddenly Hercules and Iolaus were clothed in bright pink body suits with no zippers of buttons of any kind. The only part of their body that was not covered in the hideous pink outfits were their heads. Gabrielle and Joxer shrieked. Ares laughed. 'Dite said "Ta da!" Xena smiled "Good one, 'Dite!" 'Dite smiled too "Yeah, like, I thought you'd like that. Good work, Cupie, exactly what I wanted!" Cupid went over to sit with his wife. Psyche says "You never told me that you liked to play pranks too." Cupid replies "I don't, mom does, I just do the actual spells for her." Psyche nodded. Joxer said "Everyone to their rooms, NOW. Cupid, Psyche, you can talk to somebody in their rooms. GO." Hercules and Iolaus bolted to Herc's room, with Gabrielle fallowing closely. When nobody else made a move to leave Joxer screamed "NOW, MOVE YOUR BUTTS!" 'Dite complained "Like, relax, Joxie baby, we're goin' already!" Xena said "Yeah, Joxie, relax you baby!" 'Dite and Xena giggled evilly, and Psyche couldn't help but join them, as they all headed upstairs. 'Dite whispered to Xena "Let's chat with Psyche, no boys allowed!" Xena said "Ares, why don't you Herious and Cupid go 'help' Iolaus and Hercules with those outfits? Psyche, come with me and 'Dite." Cupid nodded to his mom and hurried away half dragging Ares and Herious.   
  
  
  
Xena and 'Dite walked into their room with Psyche fallowing. 'Dite said "So, like, 'Che what do you totally like to, like, do?" Psyche looked baffled, so Xena translated " 'Dite said 'So Psyche, what do you like to do?' You'll understand after awhile." 'Dite said "Like cool it warrior chick, practice makes totally perfect!" Xena retorts "Ditzy 'Dite." 'Dite says "Control freak!" Xena says "Airhead," 'Dite replies "Warrior wannabe," Xena thinks for a second then says "Protected little baby goddess!" 'Dite says "Hey, like, to far, you startin' to sound like mom." Xena smiled "Yeah, you too there for a bit. Anyway where were we?" 'Dite says "We were talkin' to 'Che! So 'Che Do you have an cute little mind or a wicked little mind?" Psyche asks " 'Che? Is that my nickname or something? And which is better, Wicked or Cute?" 'Dite says "Yeah, that's your nick name! You like it, Che? I'm Dite, case you haven't noticed, and Xena's Xe." Xena adds "Wicked is definitely better." Psyche says "Well, Xen.... Xe, I'm assuming you have a wicked little mind, but what about Aph.... Dite?" Dite laughed, "Wicked is all how you define it, but yeah, I do too." Psyche said "Well in that case I have to be truthful and say that I am probably slightly wicked." Xena smiled "A wicked little mind, we will work on that. I am completely wicked. And Dite is wicked, al though she doesn't think wickedly; We're still working on that part."   
  
  
  
Cupid, Ares, and Herious watched Hercules and Iolaus try in vain to get out of the hideous pink outfits. Ares said "Here, let me help." waved his arm and suddenly tutu type skirts were added to the neon pink outfits. Gab and Joxie promptly shrieked. Cupid said "It won't help trying to get them off, just ask mom." Ares smiled wickedly and disappeared.   
  
  
  
'Dite joked "If you could open up my mind and watch how it works, you would probably be scared." Psyche said "Oh I know I would be...." Xena chuckled "No comment." Ares appeared "I would hope, little sister, that your mind is not quite that bad." Cupid appeared "Psyche, we have to go, I'm in trouble. Bye all." Psyche and Cupid disappeared. Xena teased "Just what did you do?" Ares chuckled "I just improved those pink outfits, my dear." 'Dite said "This I like totally must see! Tootles!" and disappeared. Ares and Xena kissed, glad to be alone, just as a screaming Joxer came in. Joxer stopped dead in his tracks. Xena stepped away from Ares and looked up at Joxer "What do you want, Joxie baby?" Ares rolled his eyes but kept silent. Joxer felt a streak of revolt rise up in him "Well, Xenie dah-lin, I was hoping that you could help with those get-up's that Iolaus and Hercules are in." Ares prayed that he wouldn't laugh, because if he did Xena would kill him. Xena thought 'So you want to play, Joxer. Fine, let's play!' she said "Oh, of course, Joxer dah-lin, but don't you think that we could at LEAST leave Hercules in it? It SOOO suites him, don't you think, Joxie baby?" Joxer gave up, what didn't this woman know how to do? "Xena, PLEASE?" Xena thought about it for all of half of a second "Nope, I don't think I can help. Sorry, Joxer." Suddenly Joxer reached up and grabbed Xena by the ear, "You're coming with me!" Xena twisted to try to get away and asked "Who taught...ahh... you that?" Joxer winked at Ares, who was standing in stunned shock. "You're mother is very helpful, Xena. I talk to her a lot now." Xena noticed Ares standing there "ARES. Get him away from me! Ahh, my ear!" Ares sighed, now wondering whether he even wanted her let loose, there was a chance he was going to be killed. Carefully forming a bolt in him hand Ares said "Let her go. Now, Joxer. I have no qualms killing you." Joxer quickly let go of Xena's ear and grabbed Ares' ear. Ares looked shocked for a moment, then shook Joxer off. "Whose mother have you been talking to? Shame you aren't my mother though, you're not as strong as her. She really puts her whole body into the twisting of my ear!" Xena rubbed her ear "Damn mommy!" Ares nodded and they stepped over Joxer and out of the room. On second thought they poked their heads back in the room "Oh, by the way, Happy anniversary, Joxer!" With that said Ares and Xena disappeared. Iolaus came running in "I'm back in my regular clothes, I don't know why, Aphrodite and her boyfriend left. Hercules is still in that pink thing and Gabrielle's still here as well." Joxer nodded "Good riddance! Now we can have a nice quiet anniversary with people that won't make a fuss. Let's invite Esta and Mathin."   
  
  
  


The End   
  
**Epilogue:**

  
  
Gabrielle, Joxer, Iolaus, Hercules, Esta and Mathin had a nice party the next day. Gabrielle and Hercules then left, searching the known world for somebody that could get him out of the pink outfit/bodysuit/tutu thingy. Aphrodite left Herious and got a new boy-toy the very next day. Xena nursed her sore ear for a week, during which time she moaned, complained and screamed at her mother. Ares pampered her the whole time, only taking breaks to ask his mother just who she had told about the ear thing. 


End file.
